How will I get through another day?
Sometimes I wonder, "How will I get through another day?"
It is at these times that I catch myself walking out the door down the long drive outside. I have walked this walk hundreds of times since my late husband passed away in '06. At these times, when I feel most vulnerable, exhausted, and plum used up, I look up to the heavens and catch myself muttering, pleading, "God, be enough ... please God, just be enough!"
I never feel the earth rumble under my feet. I don't hear a voice in my head telling me everything will be okay. I don't feel satisfied or that anything has changed. Yet, somehow, there is a release when I cry out to him. I let out a long breath in a sigh, look up at the house, and brace myself for the next chapter of my life.
One thing this little ritual has done for me, is allowed me to throw all of my sorrows, my worries and woes, to a something that is out there, that is much bigger than you or I. That something is a person, of sorts, that I have grown very close to and very fond of. I call him my Lord. He is my heavenly father, my Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, all wrapped up in an entity that I choose to call God.
How sweet it is to realize that I don't have to carry my own burdens. When I just don't know what else to do, I do what I do best and should always do first ... I roll it over to him. He is enough, by golly! He is that substance of things I know exists, though I can no more see it than I can the air that I breathe or the heart that beats within my own body. Yet, not seeing these things doesn't mean they are not real. In fact I must believe, I choose to believe, that he cares for me, he loves me, and that he is assuredly enough!
It is at these times that I catch myself walking out the door down the long drive outside. I have walked this walk hundreds of times since my late husband passed away in '06. At these times, when I feel most vulnerable, exhausted, and plum used up, I look up to the heavens and catch myself muttering, pleading, "God, be enough ... please God, just be enough!"
I never feel the earth rumble under my feet. I don't hear a voice in my head telling me everything will be okay. I don't feel satisfied or that anything has changed. Yet, somehow, there is a release when I cry out to him. I let out a long breath in a sigh, look up at the house, and brace myself for the next chapter of my life.
One thing this little ritual has done for me, is allowed me to throw all of my sorrows, my worries and woes, to a something that is out there, that is much bigger than you or I. That something is a person, of sorts, that I have grown very close to and very fond of. I call him my Lord. He is my heavenly father, my Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, all wrapped up in an entity that I choose to call God.
How sweet it is to realize that I don't have to carry my own burdens. When I just don't know what else to do, I do what I do best and should always do first ... I roll it over to him. He is enough, by golly! He is that substance of things I know exists, though I can no more see it than I can the air that I breathe or the heart that beats within my own body. Yet, not seeing these things doesn't mean they are not real. In fact I must believe, I choose to believe, that he cares for me, he loves me, and that he is assuredly enough!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Well, eight years ago today I got up like any other morning, not realizing that this date would be the one God would choose to take you to be with Him. I had two years to prepare my heart, but I never really was “prepared” for the life I have come to know without you. You are missed every day! I still cry at times when we go somewhere I know you would have enjoyed, but especially when I see our son leap over a landmark and conquer a goal, which happens frequently! I know you would be so proud of this child of yours. He has become a man so very quickly! I am amazed at his maturity and grasp of life, the values and morals he embraces, and the fact he loves and serves the same God as do we. Oh, you are missed! Did I ever tell you thank you? Thank you, for our son, our home, the condition in which you left us so well cared for? You did an amazing job. My children loved you, as did everyone who got to know you. It is said quiet waters run deep. This is how I always saw you. You didn’t speak until you had something worthwhile to say. This is the way of your son. Our child is a quiet man, reminding me much of you! He looks at me with those dark eyes of yours, and it melts my heart. Thank you for this sweet child. I do believe you are with God and you both watch over us. I can feel you, sense you, and believe you do the same with us. Thank you for watching out for us. I miss you! And though forces have come between you and I to keep us apart, it has not hindered the love I still have for you. Now and always yours, Joy
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